This moment's desire

i never really had a problem
because of leaving
but everything reminds me of her
this evening
so if i seem a little out of it, sorry
but why should i lie?
everything reminds me of her
the spin of the earth impaled a silhouette of the sun on the steeple
and i gotta hear the same sermon all the time now from you people
why are you staring into outer space crying
just because you came across it and lost it?
everything reminds me of her
- Elliot Smith , Everything reminds me of her


It never hits you when its supposed to. Numbness prevails . Then feeling. Longing.
I've fallen countless times in this life. Most turned out tragic when self inflicted hurt was needed just to divert yourself to another level of pain. So we poison ourselves thinking that all our medication will flush the pain away and give us some answers, a clue, a cure for our fragile hearts bursting at the wrong moments filled with rage, desire and a sense of outrageous madness at the world.

COMFORT FOOD

(photo from Joel Ignacio's Flickr)

It's 6:20 pm and I was about to wrap up another uneventful day at our studio. On the 14th floor overlooking the ayala skyline, I felt cold as the rain whipped through the windows as I ran hurriedly closing every one of them. Suddenly, the scent of cooking dinner wafts from the units below. It’s cold, raining and gloomy, what could it be? It was the delicious smell of monggo !!! So I stood by the window, not minding the rain on my face. I closed my eyes and imagined the family below feasting on a pot of ginisang munggo stew, with pork and amplaya leaves or for some, shrimps, prawns, tinapa (smoked fish) and chicharon mixed in. I remember the comforting food I had in my youth. Monggo for the rainy season, noodles / pancit canton for when I was drunk in college and for some reason unknown, fried chicken for those dark nights of my soul.

To quote from: The Frugal Gourmet in his Immigrant Cooking book

"Munggo or mung bean is a versatile vegetable. The beans is the main ingredient in ginisang munggo (sauteed mung bean) which is one of the more popular vegetable dishes in the Philippines. The leaves are also used as an ingredient in vegetable stews. Most of all, the sprouts are a mainstay in fried lumpia."

Recipe:

GINISANG MUNGGO

* 2 cups dry mung beans (mongo beans), hulled if possible
* 2 tablespoons peanut oil
* 1 yellow onion, peeled and sliced
* 2 cloves garlic, peeled and thinly sliced
* 4 1/2 cups chicken stock
* 1 very thin slice of fresh ginger
* salt and white pepper to taste
* 1 lb Chinese-style roasted side pork, thinly sliced and cut into 1-inch squares (you can use plain pork as well or shrimps!)

Soak the beans overnight (this is important; the first time I tried this, I didn't, I just sort of like, it's ok - and the beans didn't cook - or wasn't soft enough, anyway the result was not edible). If they have not been hulled, make sure the soaking water covers the beans amply. Rub them togehter with your hands so that most of the hulls float away. They will rise to the top of the water and can be easily removed. Rinse the beans, drain, and set aside.

Heat a 6-quart stove-top covered casserole and add the peanut oil. Saute the yellow onion and garlic for a moment and add the drained beans, along with the Chicken Stock and ginger. Bring to a boil and then turn to a simmer. Cook for 15 minutes, covered, and then remove the ginger slice. Continue to cook, covered, until the beans are tender and the soup is thick, about 15 more minutes. Add the salt and white pepper to taste, along with the cooked pork (or shrimp). Cook the dish until the meat is heated through - and enjoy.


How many of us have gone home to the safety and quiet of our little homes just to enjoy mommy's home-styled cooking? How many of us have taken solace in the warmth of the flavors, the texture of the ingredients and the whole savory experience of being warmed inside out by our simple fares?

No matter what food, no matter how prepared, I stand fast in the belief that everyone should take solace in food whenever they feel down, out and tired with the world.

Heartbeats and Heartbreaks

Patience is a virtue, the old adage says. Sometimes I question the foolishness of this task I have set upon myself, trying to win back the heart and love of someone very dear to me. It's almost been a year since she came back, but all this time has taught is a nervous dance we skillfully tread on each other's ground,dancing on eggshells.

And I, in my infinitely romantic self, sees the glass half-full, finds the silver lining all the while questioning the stupidity of it all. Faraway, so close.

Listen:

Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez

The chef of excess: Mario Batali

Mario Batali, from My Last Supper


The New Yorker's Bill Buford writes about time spent in Mario's company, shoes and kitchen.

The Devil in the Kitchen

Photograph by Jillian Edelstein for the New Yorker

The new yorker's Bill Buford writes an extensive account of the most foul-mouthed Chef of our times.

Dish #2 Roasted Chicken with Chopsuey

It's a lazy sunday evening dinner, and i wanted to surprise her with a simple chicken dinner. She's been working hard the whole week and and a simple special sunday dinner while watching Joaquin Phoenix + Gwyneth Paltrow's latest, Two Lovers , I thought, would be a good way to cap the weekend.

AUDIO:

"Hide and Seek"- Imogen Heap

Dish #1

Butter poached Salmon with Cauliflower curry and Steamed rice

i hope she likes it....

Rockstar

Marco Pierre White, mentor to Mario Batali, Anthony Bourdain & Gordon Ramsay

(photo copyright by Bloomsbury USA, 2007)

I am not a trained chef. I have not studied in any culinary schools.

However, my love and passion for cooking, love and life has led me to the 3 great master chefs that I admire, and in my own little way, try to emulate.

Mario Batali, Anthony Bourdain, and Gordon Ramsay.

Do you notice the pattern here?

Simply, It's ROCK & ROLL!

In a past life, I lived as a rockstar. I didn't sleep, rocked all night and smoked herbs that your grandmother didn't use in the kitchen.

But as I grew older, I realized that this lifestyle was not for me and tried integrating myself once more into the flock of society.

It didn't take long before I puked myself out of the farm, I was the wolf in sheep's clothing.

I was a rebel, a creative unwilling to wear a leash and sniff the arse of power. I was also living alone, and had to learn to cook, as a way of taking care of myself.

But then I fell in love, as we often do, and my heart and love was something for keeps, something you don't let go, something special, something, for life.

I never saw my father cooking in the kitchen aside from the fried eggs and hotdogs for breakfast. It was always Mom who made the special stuff, doing her best for us during the holidays.

But back to me, I started cooking for serious this year. Learning to cut, learning to sniff out the best produce, I seriously considered cooking this year.

Why?

I was given the chance to prepare dinner, sometimes lunch, for my love. It's all complicated , but hey, at the end of the day, I was the only one left at home to prep dinner so I had to hone my skills, fast.

This is where I got the inspiration to do this blog. Cook for my heart, my love my sweet of all sweets. 100 dishes. the number is not the be all and end all, but just a short measure.

And in the end, if i get her back, we both would've partaken at least of the best 100 meals I have made for her.


AUDIO:

Hold You in My Arms - Ray La Montagne

Oh My Heart

"I think it is all a matter of love: the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is."
Vladimir Nabokov

My Dearest,

I don't know what went wrong. It's the distance, I guess.
Sometimes I think i was just a mistake that you let simmer for too long.

These last few months I've been a wreck, everyday an exercise in recovery,despair and heartbreak.
One cannot fully describe the glass breaking every time I see you smile, knowing that the smile wasn't for me.

So I get stuck in a rut and wait this out. Wait for things to fall into their right places in the universe, whilst keeping an eye out for you and me.

Waiting can be crazy. What to do?

Start cooking.

I always look forward to our weekend forays into the grocery, the wet markets. Trying to decide what produce to pick, what fish, what cuts of meat. It was the only thing I have left of us. Together.

So I thought of this blog.

My journal of winning your heart back, one song, one dish, one post at a time.

I miss and love you,

M

P.S.

Oh My Heart - James